Laugh On - Sample
Full Moon
I like fish. Not as an Omega-3, vitamin-rich dinner choice, mind you. A land-locked Wisconsinite by birth, I prefer cheese and beef. But, I genuinely enjoy a tranquil aquarium filled with brightly colored fish and waving plant life. To my knowledge, fish are the only living creatures with potential as an interior decorating accent.
My youngest daughter, Jada, has shared my love of fish from the moment she learned to focus her bright blue eyes on moving objects. She could pucker perfect fishy lips and give slobbery fishy kisses before she learned to crawl.
Her older siblings thought it was adorable when she learned to wiggle her fishy tail. But by the time she reached a year and a half, her fishy wiggles strongly resembled exotic dance moves. My cheeks still burn crimson when I recall a mid-sermon wiggle down a church aisle on Easter Sunday. Children giggled, teens pointed, and the entire widowed women’s row laid a flat palm to their chests and gasped in wide-eyed, melodramatic horror.
While other, less frugal-minded families go to the movies or the ice cream shop for an outing, my children have attended hundreds of inexpensive outings to the local pet shop.
“Too dangerous,” some may say. And, I do see their point. Imagine how quickly an innocent trip to the pet shop could turn into a twenty-year commitment to a tarantula, cat, python, or parrot.
But I’ll let you in on a well kept secret: All pet shops have tanks filled with fish that cost less than two dollars each. The pet shop fish provide a stimulating show for the family, and you never have to leave empty-handed. Grinning children can go home with a new pet after every single visit. Indeed, I know you’re thinking, “Our tank will quickly become over-populated at this rate.” I’ll let you in on another well-kept secret: Fish tend to be very adept at population control. As an added bonus, when they are practicing population control, they eat fewer fishy flakes.
It was on one such family outing that I parked 18-month-old Jada, in front of a large squawking parrot. I stood only a few steps away, looking for a new fish.
Jada was a talkative toddler who had been proudly learning her body parts. The parrot emitted a broken record of “Hellooo” while my little girl attempted to educate him. “Eye, birdie,” she said. “Nose, birdie. Hand, birdie. Bel-bow, birdie. ‘Dis is a bel-bow.”
I continued browsing, confident that she and the bird would entertain one another with their expanding vocabulary.
“Hair, birdie. Fishy-lips, birdie.”
Then, a few tanks ahead, a school of Mickey Mouse platies caught my eye.
“Ear, birdie.”
Cheap, bright, and attractive, platies were the perfect fish to steer the older children toward. I moved down the aisle to get a closer look.
“Butt, birdie.”
I blinked, afraid to turn and look. She wouldn’t! When I finally gathered the courage to turn slowly toward the parrot cage, my darling Jada was holding her ankles. Her dress hem was tucked under her armpits, and her bare butt wiggled in the air like a fishy tail.
A crowd had gathered. They chuckled, snorted, giggled and hooted with laughter.
I calculated the effectiveness of sending one of the older children after her. I fantasized that I could meet them all behind the store after an appropriate delay. No one had to know she was mine. But, when my eyes met theirs from across the store, even the distortion of water tanks couldn’t hide their horror. They were not likely to claim her this time around. With a deep breath and the deep desire to turn invisible, I walked over and claimed the little theatrical performer as my own.
We left the pet shop a little early that evening, carrying a shiny white molly rather than a Mickey Mouse platy.
Its name? Full Moon.
Laugh On is a collection of 50 humorous stories. I'm currently looking for a publishing house or an agent to represent this book. Email me for a full proposal.
